I'm not quite sure how to start this blog post. Because honestly, it is sharing a side of me that leaves me feeling vulnerable. But I know I am meant to share this, and I know that my story and these tools will find their way to the person that needs them.
Last week I decided to create a transformational TikTok. You know, the ones where the girl starts out with no makeup and then jumps or puts their hand to the screen and than you see her looking like a fxcking goddess. Yeah I did one of those. This type of content isn't usually what you would expect from me, but you know what? I wanted to give it try and have some fun! You can watch it here.
I had one of my followers jump on the video and say something along the lines of "WOW! This is totally egotistical for a spiritual person. I miss the old Erica!"
Initially I rolled my eyes, blessed them, then blocked them as I do with all of my hurtful comments that I receive. But I guess one hurtful comment wasn't enough.
After I blocked her, she then proceeded to write a nasty review about me. Saying things like "I'm a fake" and "not to fall for me."
I would be lying if I said I was not hurt by this. Usually hate on the internet doesn't affect me in the slightest. But for some reason, this did.
I sat with this irritation and asked myself,
"Why am I so upset over this?"
"Why am I so hurt?"
My journey into loving my physical body and appearance was never easy. I struggled with my weight and the way I looked for over a decade. There were years where I would avoid looking in the mirror. There were times where I would go months without putting makeup on and dressing up just to feel "pretty." I basically gave up on myself.
I hated looking at myself.
I hated being the largest mom at every playdate.
I hated my double chin.
I hated my large chest that made me look even bigger than what I already was.
I hated that I couldn't even recognize myself.
I hated it all.
This 12 second TikTok to me was an exercise in self love.
It was me coming out of the closet and learning to be comfortable in my own skin, in my own way.
When I first watched it before posting it I thought to my self "man, I look pretty." This was the first time ever I said those words to myself and meant them. That is why this comment hurt so much.
I used my mediumship and spiritual development as an excuse not to deal with my issues with self love and compassion.
I dove head first into building and growing my business to avoid healing my own relationship with food and body image.
My work with self love and body image has been something I have kept quiet for some time. This was a shadow I needed to face alone and once I was comfortable enough to speak openly about it, I would as I do everything in my life. But with this event happening and triggering these negative emotions within me, I felt this was a sign for me to open up about it now. Even if i don't feel 100% ready to.
I also need to acknowledge the fact that this problem is deep rooted and ancestral. All the women in my bloodline have struggled with this problem in their own personal way. With some of the cases resulting in hospital stays, cardiac episodes, and extreme anorexia and bulimia. So as you can see, this problem - is a problem.
Deep rooted problems like this one that are passed down from generation to generation are not fixed overnight. Healing these types of wounds takes time, patience, and A LOT of inner work.
I am not one to shy away from my shadow. I know the importance of honoring the process and learning to not only forgive yourself, but to forgive others.
When I saw that second comment, that girl who hated her own reflection for so many years made her way back up to the surface. Feeling uncomfortable, ashamed, ugly, and wanting to go find comfort in the pantry.
That is why this event triggered me.
This is a battle I fought with myself from the moment I can remember. A battle that I was just beginning to make peace with, learn from, and be okay with and then in pops a bully on the internet.
What we know about people is only what they allow us to know.
We do not know the conversation they have with themselves every single day.
We do not know the mountains they are climbing.
We do not know everyones whole story.
I am feeling more at peace with how I look.
I am becoming more comfortable with calling myself beautiful.
I practice mirror work often.
I know that true beauty comes from within us and that it is a persons soul and their intentions that outweigh exterior looks.
I will continue to post TikTok transformations because honestly, it made me feel good! It made me feel pretty, and there are somedays that my makeup job is so good I need to share it!
I will continue to keep sharing my journey in hopes that it helps someone else along theirs.
I am by no means near Beyonce status when it comes to confidence, but I will be god damned if I allow one negative comment stop me from sharing my light, my healing, and my truth with the world.
So if you are like me and you are learning to love yourself unconditionally without ANY borders, I see you.
If you are a mom who has avoided your own reflection, I see you.
If you are someone who is learning to heal their relationship with food, I see you.
You are doing better than what you give yourself credit for.
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